Friday, July 18, 2003

All Eyes On Ahhhhhnold

If he were to grab your head, jam it between his pecs, and give a mighty flex, Arnold Schwarzenegger could probably turn your skull into an egg-sized diamond. And unless I'm mistaken, this is the only way to account for his reputedly uncanny fundraising ability.

I'd like to see Arnold run for governor. By all indications, California is screwed, anyway. Even the Democrats are saying they won't pick a Dem to replace Gray Davis, the floundering Democrat governor currently pinioned between Arnold's viselike breasts. What is there to lose?

You've probably noticed that, along with the iron tits, Arnold's got a massive, RPG-proof forehead, and a lot of people regard that outcropping of bone with disdain. Ahhhnold da Neanda-thaaaaal, such people bray. This is to Arnold's advantage, of course: the same anti-doofus prejudice has helped George W. Bush dozens of times over. When the enemy underestimates you, it's easy to run around behind them and shove your steel-toed boot up their ass while they're still laughing at you.

That impregnable Austrian forehead shields a business-honed brain that might-- just might-- get California back on track. Say what you will about his acting, but Arnold's not short any gears when it comes to business. Further, I think he's smart and personable enough to recognize and avoid Ross Perot's fundamental mistake: assuming that leadership of a state (or the nation) only requires knowledge of business principles. Arnold might make mistakes, but it's doubtful that those mistakes will ever be preceded by a smug, "It's that simple!" croaked in front of a graph on an easel.

Yet there are bound to be questions about an Arnoldian candidacy, whether he sweeps into office in the wake of a Davis recall, or leaps atop his Hummer to campaign during a regular election. Foremost among these questions is how Arnold's relationship with the press (and, therefore, the public) might change should he decide to get serious. It's been suggested that things could get ugly for the pampered movie star. I think this is true, and Arnold's done some risque things that could land him in trouble with the more naive among his supporters. He would need to come clean-- early on-- about his naughty side, whether we're talking about cigar smoking while heading up Bush Sr.'s President's Council on Physical Fitness, or leaving his hand on a female talk show host's ass for way too long, or rumors of cheating with female co-stars.

Those are PR questions. More substantive questions are: where's his experience? Yes, he's an active, activist Republican, but I'm talking about previous stints in political office, say, as a senator, or as mayor of Carmel By the Sea. What kinds of policy would he set in matters other than fiscal? I've heard that he's more liberal than most Republicans on the homosexuality issue, and I know he's a force behind children's causes and national physical fitness... what else, though? I haven't checked to see if Arnold's got a website displaying a substantive campaign platform. I'm guessing that, for the moment, no such site exists. But we might see one in the future, because if Arnold's begun fundraising in earnest, then he's no longer playing it coy.

I'm looking forward to an Arnold campaign as the ultimate in reality TV. Or unreality TV. Take your pick.


Ever wanted to know whether Arnold could beat Yoda? Journalists actually wasted column-inches on this question, and I am happy to pass that waste along to you, courtesy the archives at IMDB:

Hollywood muscleman Arnold Schwarzenegger has been contemplating how he'd fare in a fight with famed movie Jedi, Yoda. Arnie mulled over the face-off in a response to an email on his official website, which asked who would win in a tussle between the Jedi master and the action hero. Arnie says, "I've seen the Star Wars films a few times and what I can say about Yoda is that he's a character with a strong, serious mind and a disciplined will. To become a Jedi Master, Yoda would have had to work very hard and make tremendous sacrifices. By now, I think you'll see what I'm getting at: becoming a Jedi Master is not unlike becoming a champion bodybuilder, or becoming an actor, and that takes discipline and willpower first. The mind is actually more powerful than the body." He adds, of the outcome, "Possibly Yoda would win, but I'm sure I'd kick his butt in a pose-down."

Will we eventually find his campaign platform cohabitating with such commentary on his website?

No comments: