Saturday, September 17, 2005

Ave, Annika!

how NOT to practice gun safety


Along with great Katrinablogging, Annika's been telling the world about her new love affair with guns. While I personally have no desire to own a gun, I agree with my dad that it's a very good idea to know how to use a gun... because you just never know. "As long as cats are cats and dogs are dogs," Dad says, "the world isn't going to be a peaceful place." Message: don't be a sheep. Be prepared.

At this point, however, I've never fired anything more dangerous than an air rifle with .177-cal BBs (Dad, on the other hand, rates "expert" on the M-16/M-203). I have no clue what a gun's actual "kick" feels like. I've hefted a few rifles and pistols before, so I know they're a lot heavier than they appear in the movies (the same goes for actual swords, by the way), but that's about the extent of my relationship with firearms.

So I've been living vicariously through Annika's experience. She provides updates on her groupings (see here, for example-- most impressive), and has generated a lot of commentary from her male retinu-- uh, readers.

Finally, I decided to chime in, so I wrote the following comment on a recent post of hers, which I reproduce here in full:

A long time ago, I found myself in Kangneung, a city on the northeast coast of South Korea. I was walking by a large tank filled with live octopi. Gripped by a sudden urge, I leaped over to the tank, grabbed an octopus, aimed it at some plastic jugs about fifty yards away, and blasted every single jug on the first try-- all without ever having had prior training at firing octopi.

The next day I went back and started experimenting with other sea creatures, and finally settled on the Korean "nakji" (dwarf octopus) and "ojing-aw" (squid) as my arms of choice. Since then, I've taken courses run by some ex-Special Forces guys, and now consistently rate "Kickass" with both molluscs.

After about 500 rounds, the nakji tends to heat up and stiffen, which can affect accuracy, but also makes for a tasty meal. (I don't recommend eating your firearm in the middle of a firefight, though.)

The ojing-aw is fantastic for long-range kills: I took the head off a dog at about 500 yards (soup's on!). The ojing-aw's main problem (aside from the stench, which only worsens over time) is the frequent jamming. Keep your ojing-aw clean and well-inked, and it'll serve your assassination needs for a long time.

Nakji, unfortunately, carry a bit too much ink, so after you buy one, you have to field-strip it, remove the ink sac, and reassemble it. I've had no problems with this approach.

I've heard that the Italian calamari is, like the Beretta mentioned by other commenters above, pretty accurate, though I've also heard that it tends to wriggle a bit too much in your grip. Women agree that calamari do make better condoms than ojing-aw, though ("Fluked for Her Pleasure").

The coolest thing about the nakji is that the tentacles wrap securely around your ankle, making the dwarf octopus the perfect concealed weapon. For men, the nakji can be worn like a fanny pack and disguised to look rather convincingly like a scrotum.

Try not to load your nakji with .50 caliber rounds, however; I've heard scary stories about some truly messy misfires.

In a pinch, most molluscs also serve as decent surrogates for tonfa, kusarigamma, and the Chinese three-section staff. One of Bruce Lee's lesser-known pre-Hollywood works, "Damn You, I'll Sprain Your Soul," shows the Little Dragon defeating an entire gang of Japanese thugs with a lightning-quick Nine-Tentacle Technique.



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1 comment:

Charles said...

I can't decide if that's brilliant or deranged. Or if there is even a difference.