Oskar

[Now updated with actual winners (red font).]

It's that time of the year again—the time when most of us ignore the Great Hollywood Circle Jerk known as the Academy Awards. I used to be interested in this ceremony, but at some point over the last few years, it became utterly meaningless to me. The Oscars are slated to air on March 12. It's already March 13 here in South Korea, and by the time I get to work in the morning, the show will be half over. I'll do what I usually do and look up the awards highlights online. It's better just to see lists than to watch cringey speeches making lame, woke political points that no one normal wants to hear.

I do wonder, though, just how different the other awards ceremonies around the world are. I've never watched a BAFTA event, for example, nor have I watched the Cannes Film Festival. Are they just as prone to woke outbursts, masturbatory preening, and crass vanity? Or are they more civilized than the American bullshit? Has Cannes ever experienced a Will Smith-level incident? Do these events require a reality-check from Ricky Gervais? The choice of Jimmy Kimmel to host this year's Oscars indicates (1) that people don't want another Will Smith incident, and (2) the Academy still wants to pander to the woke crowd. So—cowardice and stupidity, and the show hasn't even begun.

Well, good luck to the contestants all the same. Here are my own picks for the major awards. In some cases where I think more than one person or work is deserving, I'll list more than one:

Best Original Screenplay: Everything, Everywhere, All at Once (or) The Banshees of Inisherin

Everything, Everywhere is multiverse drama done well. It still has metaphysical problems, but it's a good, original story with some real emotional depth. Banshees of Inisherin continues the tradition of strong, witty, charming, funny, and sentimental Irish films. I've heard some criticism saying that Martin McDonagh's script is too heavy-handed and on-the-nose as a metaphor for the Irish Civil War. Maybe it's just because I'm a stupid Yank who knows fuck-all about that war, but I saw the war (which is a tangential element of the film's story) as mere background noise. The two friends' conflict was front and center for me.

WINNER: Everything, Everywhere, All at Once

Best Supporting Actress: Kerry Condon (or) Hong Chau

Kerry Condon plays smart, pert, frustrated Siobhán in The Banshees of Inisherin. With her expressive eyes, winsome face, and moral-center demeanor, Condon carries the parts of the film not carried by the two main stars. Hong Chau plays Liz, harried nurse of her 600-pound friend Charlie, in The Whale. Chau's role in this film is in sharp contrast with the role she plays in The Menu, and I was impressed by her versatility. Liz is tough but vulnerable, wanting to help Charlie but also abetting him in his food binges. It's a complex character handled well.

WINNER: Jamie Lee Curtis, Everything, Everywhere, All at Once

Best Supporting Actor: Brendan Gleeson

Brendan Gleeson plays Colm in The Banshees of Inisherin. Colm no longer wants to associate with his old friend Pádraic, whom he now sees as dull. Gleeson really ought to have equal billing with Colin Farrell for this film given that they share about equal screen time and the story centers on both Farrell and Gleeson's characters.

WINNER: Ke Huy Quan, Everything, Everywhere, All at Once

Best Actress: Cate Blanchett (or) Michelle Yeoh

It's hard to decide between these two, and if I had my way, they'd both win. I liked Everything, Everywhere, All at Once better than I liked Tár, but Cate Blanchett acted her heart out in Tár, and she deserves the award as much as Yeoh does. For her part, Yeoh played multiple selves in a multiverse adventure, showing off her own versatility in a role that required her to be a warrior, a vain movie star, a martial artist, a harried wife, a hot-dog-fingered lesbian, a prehistoric rock, and a loving mom trying to understand her daughter. It's a toss-up as to whom I'd pick, so I choose both.

WINNER: Michelle Yeoh, Everything, Everywhere, All at Once

Best Actor: Brendan Fraser (or) Austin Butler (or) Colin Farrell

The problem for Austin Butler in Elvis is that, while he played Elvis excellently, even doing his own singing, he was in a movie that was dragged down by Tom Hanks's weird performance as Colonel Tom Parker (the real Parker, despite being Dutch, spoke American English with no accent, whereas Hank's version of Parker sounds like a concentration-camp commander). That said, how can you not respect Butler's performance? He basically channeled or conjured Elvis. Brendan Fraser had the unenviable task of acting from under a huge fat suit. A lot of critics who didn't like The Whale were nevertheless wowed that Fraser somehow made you stop noticing the fat suit (not a sentiment I shared), but I give Fraser credit for showing he has way more depth and range, as an actor, than I thought he had. I've liked Colin Farrell ever since I thought he was an American actor (I first saw him in Minority Report, where he played Agent Witwer, an American). His Pádraic in The Banshees of Inisherin is a bit daft, but hilariously so, and the pain he feels when his old friend Colm rejects him is evident in his eyes. Any of these three guys could win the Oscar, and I'd be happy.

WINNER: Brendan Fraser, The Whale

Best Director: The Daniels (Kwan and Scheinert)

While it's tempting to include Martin McDonagh here for The Banshees of Inisherin, there's no getting around the fact that Everything, Everywhere, All at Once is a much more ambitious film, so in the end this was an easy choice for me.

WINNER: The Daniels, Everything, Everywhere, All at Once

Best Picture: Top Gun: Maverick

As a normal Joe who watches movies, I have to go with the film that actually moved me the most. People often take moved to mean "moved to tears," but a movie can also excite and exhilarate. Seeing an action movie nominated for Best Picture is already a rare thing, and while I doubt Top Gun has much of a chance of winning this award (especially considering how un-woke it is), it's my sentimental favorite. Everything, Everywhere, All at Once did almost move me to tears, especially in its exploration of motherhood. Tár was fascinating in terms of its complex characters and social commentary, and The Banshees of Inisherin was funny but also meditative. That said, none of these other movies brought on the feels to the extent that Top Gun: Maverick did, so I award that movie my own personal Oscar.

WINNER: Everything, Everywhere, All at Once