Friday, July 04, 2003

and the evening and the morning were the first day

And so it was that, with three mighty squeezes of his magical, mystical buttock cheeks, the awful Big Hominid excreted himself into online existence, flopping wetly out of his own extradimensional Moebius anus and immediately referring to himself in the pompous third person singular. Confounding Philosophy and Theology 101 students everywhere, the Big Hominid stands as living proof that self-created beings do exist and are not mere fictional constructs found only in Terry Gilliam films.

Our camera pans across a field of stars; the planet Earth comes into view, and we zoom forward, ever forward, to the wild land known as South Korea, where the Hominid, recently self-defecated and still in larval toilet-log form, plops noiselessly onto an empty chair at an Internet cafe somewhere near the prestigious Korea University.

The Hominid dung log sways to and fro upon the chair, sniffing the air, getting a feel for the new surroundings, and questions slowly form in its nervous ganglia: WHAT TO WRITE? WHERE TO BEGIN? As the possibilities blossom in its rapidly evolving consciousness, the dung log begins to swell and bloat and change, becoming an enormous fecal erection, then a gargantuan Schei├česchnitzel... then as arms and legs pop out, a bona fide bonhomme de merde. Finally, the Big Hominid assumes his right and proper form: hirsute, halitus-prone, prominent of forehead, menacing of double-chin, ponderous of ass, gifted with the most talented intestines on the planet, and an as-yet-unexplored projectile-vomiting capability.

Perhaps we should begin with a shameless self-promo: What, you ask, is the quickest way to know the mind of the Hominid? Buy his book, Scary Spasms in Hairy Chasms: A Panoply of Paeans to Putrescence and a Cornucopia of Corrosive Coprophilia, available on's site (; type "scary spasms" in their search window) or direct from the author (write him at to learn more).

So the Hominid has a blog now. Sit back. Relax. This won't hurt a bit. Oh, perhaps it will hurt some, but nothing builds character like ten thousand fire ants crawling all over your honey-dipped scrotum, yes?

IN OUR NEXT EPISODE, Big Hominid learns how to post HYPERLINKS on his blog.


1 comment:

John Mac said...

You've come along way in 15 years! This post may be full of crap, but it would be shitty of me to defecate in your comments.

I've been waiting 15 years to say that!

Cheers and congrats. It's been great to have a window seat on your life's journey!