Saturday, June 12, 2004

humble beginnings

A quickie from Seoul National University, where it's hot and bright and hilly...

Since we passed the 1000-post watershed on this blog, I thought I'd requote juicy bits from this blog's very first post, a story of humble beginnings:

And so it was that, with three mighty squeezes of his magical, mystical buttock cheeks, the awful Big Hominid excreted himself into online existence, flopping wetly out of his own extradimensional Moebius anus and immediately referring to himself in the pompous third person singular. Confounding Philosophy and Theology 101 students everywhere, the Big Hominid stands as living proof that self-created beings do exist, and are not mere fictional constructs found only in Terry Gilliam films.

Our camera pans across a field of stars; the planet Earth comes into view, and we zoom forward, ever forward, to the wild land known as South Korea, where the Hominid, recently self-defecated and still in larval toilet log form, plops noiselessly onto an empty chair at an Internet cafe somewhere near the prestigious Korea University.

The Hominid dung log sways to and fro upon the chair, sniffing the air, getting a feel for the new surroundings, and questions slowly form in its nervous ganglia: WHAT TO WRITE? WHERE TO BEGIN? As the possibilities blossom in its rapidly evolving consciousness, the dung log begins to swell and bloat and change, becoming an enormous fecal erection, then a gargantuan Scheisseschnitzel... then as arms and legs pop out, a bona fide bonhomme de merde. Finally, the Big Hominid assumes his right and proper form: hirsute, halitus-prone, prominent of forehead, menacing of double-chin, ponderous of ass, gifted with the most talented intestines on the planet, and an as-yet-unexplored projectile vomiting capability.


So the Hominid has a blog now. Sit back. Relax. This won't hurt a bit. Oh, perhaps it will hurt some, but nothing builds character like ten thousand fire ants crawling all over your honey-dipped scrotum, yes?

Ah, sweet mammaries. More later, when I'm back in my part of town.


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