Tuesday, June 22, 2004

Taejeon Love Hotel Chronicles
(in which BigHominid grabs his crotch)

As promised: photos of my love hotel.

Here's the receipt for my one night's stay.

A bit expensive, at W40,000, but as you'll see, this isn't your typical roach-infested yogwan.

First, we note the more innocent features, like the bed...

...and the bathroom...

...and the nifty electro-key, which you stick in a slot in order to give your room electricity.

The room also had a vanity...

...and a place to hang my suit...

...and a decent view out the sixth-floor window.

The room also featured some fairly useless furniture:

I had no idea what to do with that thing, which looked like the bastard offspring of a bed and a couch. So I stuck my bags on it, hoping that it might be tempted to breed with them. Nothing happened. I was disappointed.

But this is a love hotel, see. It's a got a looooooove vibe. Say it like Barry White would. And make the following sexy face:

The place is geared toward sex. As you can see in the following picture, I was caught up in the hotel's vibe, feeling salacious, feeling like I needed to show the world my ass crack:

But you have to understand: the room warps you. Your eye is always falling upon something sex-oriented. Look here: a condom dispenser. Right at the front door.

That's one happy condom. I don't know about the rest of the male populace, but my schlong doesn't curve into a half-crazed smile.

If you rip your eyes away from the condom dispenser, you might find yourself thinking, "TV... Why, yes, I'll just watch a nature show." Then you look on top of the TV, and see a little display that tells you the channel listings. The very first listing, Channel 70, is-- you guessed it-- the ADULT CHANNEL.

So at this point your nature show thoughts have curdled (ripened?) into visions of animals mating. And then they curdle (or ripen?) further into visions of people mating. Your eye starts roving as you look for the remote control. There's only one thing on your mind now: accessing the adult channel. But then you notice something: THE ADULT CHANNEL IS COIN-OP PORN. Behold:

As you see in the above, you need two 500-won coins to get 30 minutes of porn viewing. So I reach into my wallet... and find nothing but 100-won coins.

Fate can be cruel. In this case, fate kicked me hard in the nuts.

I had no access, and I wasn't about to go out and ask around for 500-won coins. Everyone would know why I was asking. The injustice of my situation forced me to make a solemn vow-- I would rectumify this. Fate would not have the last word.

I placed the 100-won coins on the bed and got on my knees. I began staring at the coins, attempting to transform them into two 500-won coins through the sheer force of my mind.

As you might have guessed, this didn't work. Fate had won another round.

Defeated, I turned in humility to Our Lord and Savior. And this is what I prayed:

"O Lord Jesus my sweet Jesus, God of Abraham, God of Isaac and Krishna and Popeye's Chicken, thou didst part the Red Sea and didst eat the entire Egyptian host for a noonday meal. Thou didst feed the lame and clothe the hungry in thine infinite mercy. Thou didst raise Lazarus from the dead, then let him fall dead again, then raised him again, then dropped him again, and didst do this many times until the Pharisees asked what the meaning of this was, and thou didst laugh without answering."

"O Lord Jesus, it is I, Big Hominid, who come before you humbly to ask that you transform these humble 100-won coins into two 500-won coins, that I might view naked Korean women in full rut. I, who have never asked thee for help during moments of constipation, I, who never before cried unto thee when I accidentally slammed the car door upon my testicles-- now, in my darkest hour, O Lord, I beseech thee. Heed my prayer!"

And lo, my prayer was answered!

But it was answered in a most bizarre manner:

Truly, the Lord works in mysterious ways. I have been blessed with this condom, this capote anglaise, but there is no one in whom I might bury it.

I decided to take this miracle as a sign of things to come (no pun intended). Because I had an interview at Woosong University, I donned my suit and did my best impression of a human being:

And thus I went forth into the world.

POST SCRIPTUM: For those wondering where I got the condom, it was already on the vanity-- freebie. See here:

Go now and sin no more. And fuck till you drop.


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