Saturday, April 16, 2005

she'll be bucking on the mountain when she comes

Last night, I hiked up my usual Namsan route for what was probably the last time until winter. From today onward, I think I'm going to have to use the stairs.

When I walked up last week with my buddy Jang-woong, he complained about the noise from the cars, motorcycles, and tour buses ascending the mountain. His point was that the trail leading toward the library (and, eventually, to the stairs I fear) is blocked off: it's a pedestrian zone only, and much quieter.

Cars are coming in droves now; all the mountain's fair-weather friends have returned. It's getting much noisier and much more crowded: people are parking farther and farther down the road, using the pedestrian lane, which forces me into the path of ascending cars and makes the walk somewhat annoying.

And the night brings lovers. They park. They neck.

And it's pathetic.

The need for privacy between two people is a need I understand well, but in a city of 12 million, which is fully a quarter of the population of all South Korea, it's nearly impossible to find a quiet spot for a little necking, petting, or good ol' down-home fucking. I don't think I'd like to be eating my girlfriend's pussy in the knowledge that, not fifty meters in front of and behind me, other couples are engaging in the same thing. Sorta takes away from the specialness of the occasion.

Twelve million people. That means at least 2 million horny couples, maybe more, seeking nocturnal divertissements. Since all these people have basically gotten the same idea, any Lover's Lane in Seoul will be crowded as hell, whether it's the strolling Lover's Lane in the Olympic Park or the tour bus route that winds up the side of Namsan. Sorry, but I don't want to be a party to your attempt to fine-tune your lady's nipples as I'm walking downhill with a full view of your windshield because you were stupid enough to park under a goddamn streetlight.

That's what I saw last night: a dude in a car, with his hand in his honey's shirt. Under a streetlight. Obtuse fucker, he was.

I'm just waiting for the night I see a car bouncing up and down. I'll take my digicam just in case. I'll hang by the window until they notice. Maybe I'll bring a can of shaving cream and write FUCK TRUCK on their car's hood or trunk. Maybe I'll stand by the car, grab my crotch, and hop up and down like a chimp (making chimp noises) in tandem with the car's bouncing.

Suggestions for horny people looking to grab a private space to grab at each other's private spaces:

1. Don't go anywhere near me.

2. Think about a trip out to the coast.

3. Think about a trip into the woods, somewhere outside of Seoul.

4. Here's a novel thought: maybe just behave yourselves, resorting only to standard hugging, kissing, and hand-holding while in public, and fucking each other's brains out only in private. Sound like a deal?

5. Don't be inspired to do stupid shit just because you saw two or three actors trying it in a French movie.

6. Always bet on black.

OK, it's 2PM and I'm off to Namsan again, taking the stairs route for the first time. It's a beautiful day; terrible to be in a PC-bahng right now. Cheers.


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