why it's annoying to cut the tip of your index finger

Over the weekend, I decided to clean a pair of scissors by running an alcohol wipe up and down the blades' length. I guess I wasn't watching carefully enough, and/or the scissors' blades were sharper than expected because I managed to cut the tip of my index finger. Now as you probably know from your own personal experience, Dear Reader, cutting yourself anywhere is annoying because you quickly realize how every part of your body has some crucial function (which is precisely why I wouldn't mind cutting off some of my toes: to force the issue and insist that some body parts aren't crucial).

My index finger turns out to be crucial for typing—an act made slightly more difficult with a bandage on the fingertip. More important, if the cut index finger happens to be on your ass-wiping hand, as is the case for me, then you're in for a logistical nightmare every time you take a shit. I discovered this last night. I'm not saying that, when I normally wipe myself, I deliberately drag my index finger across my shit-covered bunghole, but even with the finger hidden behind a couple layers of toilet paper, there's this feeling of filth, taint, and impurity. Mary Douglas would have a field day with me. I also do this homemade-bidet thing after I wipe, which means filthy water soaks into the bandage on my fingertip as I'm scrubbing at my ass, necessitating an extra hand-washing followed by a change of the bandage. It's a whole complicated procedure. Don't judge me; you probably have your rituals, too.

Moral of the story: maybe hold your alcohol wipes with tongs when cleaning your scissors.